Meditation and Pain/Pleasure experience
My first question is should I continue to meditate? My next question has to do with my meditation, when I do it in my bed or anywhere else for that matter, all the time I get a restless feeling in my body, and if I relax into that restless feeling, that restlessness starts to feel like many many bubbles in my body, like I am a soda or something, after a while this bubble restless feeling start to build momentum, and I MUST find the right spot to hold myself in for this momentum to build up, if I manage to stay in this spot, the momentum build up til I feel I can't hold on anymore, not that I want to hold on, but when the momentum are overflowing, I release, and it feels almost like an orgasm in the body, just almost, not exactly the same feeling, anyway it feels like energy ruses in my brain and body, like a pain/pleasure experience.
Next question: What will I be if I stop all feelings and emotions? What is forgiveness? Is forgiveness a feeling too? What to do with it? Is it like I must forgive me and mean it? How do I mean it? How does one go about being intimate with oneself?
Mother Teresa responding to questions
Transcribed through Andrea
Date: 14 June 2007
Thank you Rick for asking these questions. I am sure many beings are wondering the exact same thing. If you remember me, I use to be Mother Teresa here on earth, now you may call me Teresa. What a wonderful opportunity for you to become aware of yourself, instead of hiding away behind all the 'rules' as described by well meaning spiritual types. Remember one thing Rick, hereness as you use often when you refer to your state of awareness of yourself, is what we in the dimensions use to describe a being who is focused on what they are doing and why. That is probably the only way that we are all able to release ourselves from enslavement and that is by being fully aware of why we are participating the way we do. Firstly thank you for asking the questions that frankly many are not even willing to face, let alone ask for assistance on, I will do my best to assist you! I will be breaking the answers into different sections according to your questions asked. I have looked at your questions and I will do my best to 'cover' all of them effectively. Here goes:
1. Firstly we will look at your beliefs about the white light and why it confuses you as to what has been said on this web site. To get some clarity where you stand in amongst all of the 'spirituality' in this world I would like to ask you a question, that will assist you in directing yourself. When the white light was taken away many beings (dimensional and here on earth) asked what now? Well simply put we are all there is Rick. There is no God that sits on a cloud watching 'over' us. We in the dimensions as I have explained in my article on my life (the life of the saint) I realized that as we pass over, God is within us and that we are indeed everything.
The white light created a God outside of us so that we would always be enslaved to what they demanded us to belief in. Whether you belief in God, Buddha or Jesus there exists that which is always placed outside each being. You see all that the white light did was create many religions, beliefs, concepts and masters that when you start looking at the pattern it all boils down to the same thing: We follow. We never truly comprehended that we are indeed all there is and that all beings considered masters, saints or gods were just that, an idea projected by the constructs that was the white light to ensure that you never stand up as who you truly are.
When the white light was removed unfortunately the human mind remained. You know what is the interesting part about the human mind? It has always been there to show you where you allow yourself to be trapped or how you allow it to direct you. So keep in mind that everything in this world is perhaps there to assist you to realize the truth about what is really going on. Now the next question is as follows. What are you willing to see beyond all the belief, religions and so called masters? When God has not arrived for millions of years yet we all carry on showing HIM all the respect, giving HIM praise then what are we actually saying? Are we gullible or what.
Have you noticed on the internet that thousands of web sites exist that proclaim they have discovered the new form of spirituality or ascension or - the list goes on. Yet and bear with me, none are able to show you concrete evidence that any of that actually assists beings in understanding the truth. Are any of these new or old modalities able to show you where God is? When a child is being raped do these people give you the reason why that when you have seeked within yourself for the common sense, you are able to verify? Does it make sense that children are raped so that they may learn a lesson? Does it make sense to you that Jesus became the master over all yet we are left to fight crime, protect nature and children and restore this planet?
2. So that was just an example of how the dimensions have been forced to see what has been allowed in this world. Common sense has long been forgotten because all beings are so transfixed by the idea of a God that they are willing to give up common sense just to believe in something mystical. We are very limited within consciousness therefore our awareness allows us to expand ourselves to be able to start understanding what it is we have allowed. So how many humans are able to face the responsibility of being the image and the likeness of God? Not many.
This of course is due to the fact that (a). We have never been told that we are God so it seems strange to comprehend (b) we face so much turmoil within us everyday that we find it hard to belief that we are anything more, how is it possible for us to be God? Well simple actually how else are you able to fully step into the roll of God if you have not stood up amongst everything consciousness throws at you? If we all sat around with happy thoughts all day how else are we able to fully comprehend what it means to be God? Children that are raped and abused ask only that we stand up and protect them. To be God does not mean you become flawless or that you must pretend to be perfect.
This process that has started here on earth will take the average being up to seven years, to work through, comprehend and direct consciousness all within awareness. So please don't be so hard on yourself. No being that has been designed and lived as a consciousness system is able to all of a sudden jump up into awareness right away. It takes time because consciousness is all we have ever known and we are unfolding within all of us the universal truth. That won't happen overnight.
Stand up within yourself (as you have already done) and promise yourself that you will push yourself everyday to just be here, enjoy what it means to be in a relationship with self, FIRST, then you are able to step up and expand yourself, perhaps even to assist other beings to do the same. Remember that firstly (as you are busy doing now) you will get to know you. Who you are in amongst all of this, what have you allowed and who are you when nobody is there to tell you who you are.
3. Who are you? Tell me firstly who you have become because of past influences. I would strongly suggest that you do the exercises by Jack in his article structural manifestation and forgiveness. It will assist you to write down all your personality traits, who has influenced your thoughts, why you allowed it to become you and where to from there. When Osho said that it is advisable to let go of thoughts and feelings he perhaps meant that the 'reason why' he said that is because within the cycle of consciousness it is the thoughts, feelings and emotions that spiral us out of control, that being the reason we are currently in the situation we are in, globally.
Thoughts lead to more thoughts, feelings lead to more and the list goes on. Instead of us becoming aware of the reason why we have a particular thought or emotion and doing forgiveness, with understanding, we instead allow ourselves to go deeper into more thoughts. You see consciousness feeds itself all the time. If you allow thoughts you must understand that unless YOU are fully directing the thought - the thought will direct you. Do you see the pattern here? All over the world beings are directed by their thoughts, allowances, nobody actually for a moment says when the mind moves 'wait a minute I see you mind, I will now direct this situation'. Instead we follow the mind blindly and without a clue of how it will spiral, or how our participation in this world contributes to the unconscious (which is the global consciousness).
To direct the thoughts you experience is to firstly still the mind. That is what beings like Osho writes about. He means for you to take back your awareness that has been lost from allowing consciousness to have free reign. Don't fight with yourself, remember Rick that even though we are all stepping into awareness with (mostly) a sense of responsibility we must remember to honor ourselves and not allow a new form of religion to begin. Imagine for a moment that instead of us all running around allowing things due to our religious belief in consciousness we end up punishing ourselves for everything we do. That is not the answer either; it just tips the scale to the other polarity, which is exactly what you are experiencing.
4. Remember that polarity exists where you reject something. Once you proclaim that something is 'bad' you immediately split everything in yourself as well as the world into good versus bad polarities. When you look around you, you will see exactly what I mean. We fight what we have decided we reject and that is where consciousness will nail you to a wall. In many ways, although harsh we are being shown by consciousness exactly where we allow and how we limit ourselves.
So, realize firstly that you are indeed everything. By everything I ask that you realize that within the law of oneness we are indeed all connected as we are from the same source. We are one human experience, yet within different individual expressions. Therefore I am you and therefore I am able to assist you because I have 'placed' myself within your shoes (excuse the pun), because it assisted me to understand you better.
The only way I was able to stand as who you really are and as who you are currently is because we are indeed connected due to our oneness. That however does not mean that in your oneness with a rapist you will go out and necessarily rape someone; it just means that you accept that as a human that stands connected within the human experience to all, we all have the potential rapist within us. It is not necessarily meaning that you will experience that, due to the fact that your expression is different, your upbringing has been different. Therefore bringing you to the awareness of yourself allows you to understand that you have had experiences in this world that has left you with a certain perspective of yourself and how things 'operate'. For the rapist it is merely a different set of conclusions or understandings.
Therefore we firstly understand that everything exists within us pertaining to the human experience, therefore we reject nothing. When you are faced with yourself (the experience of understanding self) then you will learn to trust that what you are experiencing is there to assist you to overcome what we have allowed, not so that we become angry. So even though we are all 'innocent' with regards to our enslavement we do however have the means to stand up from that (that being our God-like aspect) and free ourselves, no matter how long it takes. That is why I suggest you start the process of understanding yourself first, instead of being somewhat afraid to express yourself.
The reason why we ask you to be aware of what thoughts you allow is due to how these thoughts are able to then create more. The minute you feel something about something then you attach value. When all that remains is you (which is what happens when you die) it shows us that we have attached value to our thoughts and how we perceive them to be something that we feel. To use the excuse that you feel something for someone is very dangerous because when the person leaves you, your world falls apart.
Looking for a partner. When you realize that firstly you are everything (although the mind as consciousness disagrees, due to it being unable to realize this), you will start to comprehend that indeed relationship as the wanting of yourself outside of you is pointless. Ask yourself firstly what it is you seek in a relationship and generally the being says either sex, money, loneliness or achievement. Now it is quite simple actually to answer that for yourself.
If I have the ability with awareness to realize that none of these things remain, nothing lasts and none of that determines really who I am then why do I place value in relationship? If I have all that I need within me, due to the fact that when all of that is taken away I remain, then why do people fuss so much about somebody fulfilling them. Wow, what separation within self, when we admit that parts of us are missing? However when two beings understand this, understand that they don't own each other and that relationship is an agreement between two beings, then why not. However as with the other exercise I would suggest looking at why you desire relationship. Desire in itself is the number one reason we go into a particular application. Consciousness desires to own, to direct, to possess and of course to feel special. Do you see within that how our awareness of ourselves versus consciousness that always wants outside us, comes into play when we are faced with yourself.
We are indeed one with all. Nobody actually if you become aware of equality is more special than another. We've just decided that we enjoy one being over another because they match something that we deem viable. So firstly write down everything about yourself, how you have allowed yourself to become you. Then you ask yourself with complete honesty why you would like to be in a relationship. Then if you have established that it is boredom or a sense of possession then you understand where to start working. If it is however that you enjoy being who you really are and would like to share that with a being that has the same way of working with themselves then sure, walk the path of expansion together. Always remembering to honor each other, respect, clear communication and of course having the same understanding to keep everything clear will indeed be of assistance.
5. Intimacy. When one seeks to be intimate with another it usually comes from two perspectives. (1) Intimacy with self is what you are to establish first. Perhaps while you meditate you are 'lacking' in actual intimacy with yourself hence the fact that arousal becomes prevalent. Remember intimacy is always something you do with regards to yourself. We are not here to desire another, which is why we are currently stuck.
Everybody is busy seeking for themselves outside of themselves, that way nobody ever realizes that all we actually require is self. Self is who we are when we realize we are everything, thus to direct ourselves accordingly. To seek a partner because you desire intimacy is usually the indication that you are to establish intimacy with you first. Only then once you are able to lie down without anything but yourself for company, without pictures of woman or desires, then you are able to venture out finding someone to share that with. Remember intimacy is the sharing of yourself as you please yourself, not the other way around.
When you are intimate with another being you are firstly expressing intimacy with yourself, only then are you able to share that with another being. Takes quite a while for beings to truly understand what it means to be alone, but I'm sure you'll get it. Aloneness is nothing but you admitting that you have the world within you and that you don't actually require anything else. So first practice that, lying down to meditate or be quiet and focus on who you are in all of this.
If intimacy comes up as a moment where you embrace you then that is good. All movement of energy must be just that, focused on who you are and intimacy with yourself. As soon as pictures of naked woman come up then you stop as you then realize you have accessed the mind that will always seek to be aroused by things outside of itself. So basically as long as you are honest about who you are being intimate with, then intimacy with self is always a good thing.
(2) The second type sex is that which is created by the mind as to project images that keep you enslaved. Remember sex was placed into our construct by our creators (the Annunaki) to ensure that our hormones keep us driven towards sex, therefore the list of compromises is about as long as my arm. In truth we are really actually not sexual creatures, we do it because we have been tempted so much by images that of course the mind relishes. The media as well as society keeps us always just within the confines of sexuality. Never are we able to escape due to the fact that we have chemical as well as hormonal reaction flowing through our bodies. Keep 'it in mind' that unless the energy moving through your body is being directed by you as you, then you know that somewhere you've seen something that is now activating a response.
The mind often uses sex as a means to create confusion. As you have noticed the minute you opened the door to awareness the mind gave you something else to 'think' about. Just realize that the mind will distract you, when you are working with yourself. The best way to deal with those situations is to stand up in that moment to the mind and say no. Not so easy, I realize but do it repeatedly and you'll see the mind will back off.
As soon as you are alone, without thoughts, without pictures and without obsessions then intimacy with self is 'genuinely' possible. However watch your actions, and you'll notice how the mind operates, don't judge yourself just learn how to predict when it will distract you. Always break the cycle as I mentioned by doing something that you normally would not do. Remember consciousness works in predictable patterns and cycles therefore by acting out of the ordinary will give you directive principle.
6. The white light. What you mentioned about us changing the world is quite correct Rick. It is most certainly up to us. But, are we doing it according to some previously implanted construct that never actually get's results or are we going to get it done.
If somebody tells me that they are aware of what is happening in the world and that they are willing to stand up then I support them. However when somebody is yet again using the white light enslavement that 'white washes' the problem then that is where I ask 'where are you in all of this? Are we following some fancy light? Some special energetic or are we going to create a new more powerful God before beings realize that the 'idea' is absolutely fantastic, yet that is what it remains. Knowledge. We are knowledge. We all understand a lot about spirituality, about where we are given the status of this world and how wonderful it is when all appears to be 'enlightened'. However once all the airy-fairy mysticism wears off who is going to stand to create the next solution and the next? Because the point is that this world is definitely not getting anywhere with fancy lights and enlightened beings.
I ask that you realize that all those 'solutions' are merely ideas put together by well meaning beings that are actually at a loss for what to do next. Do you agree that over the last 1000 years we have had everybody from Jesus to Buddha to spirituality, all with one purpose (apparently). That of course is to remain slaves. Look at spirituality from this viewpoint. Are you being directed by what you see out there or are you directing yourself. Are you directed by the white light that tells you often that you are indeed limited.
Look at spirituality, there is always some need for energy, angels to save you or a prayer for us to be saved. All the same stuff, just recycled. Our energy in fact remains constant. We are however taught from a young age that we have no control over ourselves because we must be deserving of God's blessing. Energy is never stable yet nobody is able to tell you why. Truly does my energy go away because I have emotions? Oh really, I did not realize beings were slaves to their minds when they have been so for hundreds of years, with it starring them in the face. Everything that limits you belonged to the white light and consciousness. Control. Now of course that we have removed the white light beings are asking us to bring it back so they may remain locked into its control. Free choice I suppose, yet I would rather not be told how and when I am to be. I stand into infinity, so do you. We are infinitely here with infinite energy, infinite understanding, and infinite everything! Only the mind will allow beings to drop into consciousness and become limited. Become like a comatose slave that consciousness may feed off.
7. I realize that what I say sounds like a lot to grasp. Take it all one step at a time. We have only recently stood up ourselves (the dimensions). If you read the FAQ section on the web site as well as where Jesus explain his process (his first channeling) you will get a better understanding of what heaven had to go through to get to this realization. I therefore appreciate your candid approach to the reality of what we all face. We are no longer slaves, unless we wish to remain so. Remember that there are dimensional beings with you right now. Standing beside you always, able to listen. Perhaps during your meditation you might even get some input!
Dimensional beings are not as they use to be, with false messages about hope and ascension. We stand within complete truth, directing ourselves and 3D to return to oneness and equality, never again allowing separation to exist within 'spiritual' and well meaning words.
8. We as the dimensions are ready to assist. Remember to write everything down. Connect all thoughts with your life. See where you've allowed emotions to dictate your direction. Remember that when we say don't allow yourself to be made happy by something outside of you we speak of always making sure you are constant. Nothing outside of you must dictate your stability or your happiness. That way you give your power away to something outside yourself. I realize that is not so easy, yet does everything not just take absolute dedication and direction?
Eventually when you understand your place in this world as a being within awareness you will firstly understand that your participations are just an expression of yourself, not what determines you. To give you an example: if you watch TV and you become sad because you see something, and it influences you to remain within that sadness, then you understand that you've attached value to yourself according to what you've seen. When you are able to remain constant within what you've seen then you know that within you, you have transcended and accepted that as a part of yourself yet you are not determined by it. Let's say happiness is something you are already then you decide when you express that, not however directed by something outside you to be happy. That way we yet again place all our power in someone or something else's 'hands'. So by all means express yourself, yet let it be you directing what you are experiencing not the other way around.
9. As for your health and taking supplements I would suggest seeing a Kinesiologist who is able to test what you're body requires and the amounts thereof. I would suggest always remembering that within you, are all the key elements mostly, with the exception of a few nutrients that the body doesn't reproduce easily. With you however I would say that perhaps the 'green stuff' would assist you with building your immune system, as well as assisting the body with it's ability to adapt to a new environment, which is what you are currently busy with as you become more aware of yourself. Let's just test that to find out for how many days and how much. Any supplement in excess is able to produce side effects.
10. Meditation. Remember that while you are meditating the first thing to do is focus on where you find your mind going. Is the mind using this time to become controlling or are you directing the session? Remember that when you experience anything, it is crucial for you to be the director not the mind. When you experience yourself slowing down allow your mind to just be quiet. Allow yourself to become aware of what moves within. Begin the session with the clear message to self that this time will be used to clear the thoughts and allow you to communicate with yourself.
If you have not already spoken to your inner voice then now would be the time to start communicating. What type of meditation do you use? Are you currently allowing it to develop freely or do you communicate to guides (dimensional beings)? What I would suggest for now is to actually slow the meditation down so that you are able to control the session without getting the mind involved. Here are some ways you are able to do that: firstly be as still as possible. To the best of your ability clear all thoughts, slow down your breathing and watch that absolutely nothing moves that you did not direct. This is usually how one gets directive principle over what happens during meditation, as the mind often tries to interfere. The first couple of times just focus on being here. Then when you are able to slow everything down, clearly state that you are now able to become aware during your meditation.
Now you will start asking yourself questions. When I say yourself I am of course referring to that part of yourself that is able to assist you, call it your infinite self that is here from an awareness perspective to guide you. Now allow yourself to be clear with the mind quiet. The infinite part of you might assist you to become directive with your energies or might assist you with your exercises that I suggested. This would be a good time to focus on looking at forgiveness from the perspective of getting all the issues out that require to be dealt with. Unconditionally (I use this word because you are not able to make a mistake) just allow images or words that come up pertaining to your existence to be your guidance to what you are required to work with. Even if the image or word is strange or unclear just allow that infinite deep part of you to show you the 'attachment' that you have to this, even if the picture is something you don't relate to. Just clearly state: 'what is this word/ image?' then allow yourself to sink deeply, enjoying your breathing with no thoughts moving. Then after a while you will perhaps have a vision of a part of your life or something you have experienced. This is when you start connecting all the dots. Using this deep meditation to guide you deeper, all the while stating: 'and how does that link to the previous picture/event?' This way one is able to go right through to the source of anything you are working with. Don't give up. The mind might fight with you for directive principle initially, but the more you just remain quiet, the more you are actually taking directive principle . Then just allow whatever shows to be a part of your forgiveness modality, even if it is absurd or from the mind. Sometimes we attach the strangest images or events to how we are currently experiencing ourselves.
11. How to know if forgiveness is effective. The only way to know if you have effectively forgiven what you have allowed is by placing yourself either in front of a similar situation or to speak the word without reacting. If you are able to speak the words for example and nothing moves, not an energetic, not a thought or perception then you understand that forgiveness has been either fully done or mostly. Further points will show up if forgiveness is required and you are then able to do more forgiveness. Just move yourself in the moment, meaning what comes up you do forgiveness on, then when more comes up at a later stage you do more until all is done. Forgiveness without practical application is useless. Read more on Jesus: Guidelines to Forgiveness to understand how to practically apply what you have forgiven yourself on.
Just some last points: - Self realization that all pictures in the mind are controlling mechanisms, all pictures do not come from self and are able to influence self. Therefore we place emphasis on doing forgiveness on pictures so that they no longer exist in the mind. - Any picture that is allowed to run freely in the mind generates and creates feelings, more often than not these feelings guide us into our actions, which are all actually part of our pre-programmed consciousness. - We will soon be doing an article on how to live beyond the pre-programmed consciousness, move beyond the mind games. - In the future we will be writing more articles pertaining to your questions as well as many other topics.
Thanks for communicating.
Meditation and the Mind
In my earthly ignorance, i feel that we do indeed have great need to face up to ourselves, so i offer a relaxation/meditation practice on my "Away Notice" in my mailbox ... which does bring one face to face with one's inner being, one's mind, and subconscious ... a place where we can confront ourselves in "the quiet" away from our worldly projection ...
It is to face yourself in every moment of breath here in practical application while participating in this world – in every moment of breath you stop participation in the mind and apply self honesty, you assist and support you in applying self forgiveness and self corrective and application as you experience you during your day.
Because allocating only a specific ‘time in day’ to ‘meditate’ and only during the ‘meditation’ apply you in facing you – is useless, because afterwards the being just returns into the mind in participating in their nature as the mind and thus use/abuse ‘meditation’ as a means to ‘escape’ in ‘feeling better about themselves that they’re doing something’ while actually still remaining in the mind and of the mind and thus not actually really facing themselves.
Thus – I would suggest to inform the beings applying the ‘meditation technique’ that it is to not only face themselves during meditation for a moment of time during the day and then afterward/before meditation continue existing within their mind as the nature of the mind they have accepted and allowed themselves to be and become – because if this is accepted and allowed – the ‘meditation moment’ during their day is completely useless and will have no effect on self in assisting and supporting self within this process. It is to face you IN EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH HERE IN SELF HONESTY as, while and during your participation in this world during the day and stop participation in the mind in every moment of breath as they face themselves while and during participating in this world during the entire days’ experience of themselves
Do you think this brain wave entertainment will provide help to go from consciousness to awareness? Will this product help humans in anyway? I have been trying Holosync for sometime now, but i have just experienced positive results when i meditate its easier to quiet the mind. don't know really if this is true, but what do you think of this brain wave entertainment is this of conscious system to provide a supplement to humans so we feel better like vitamin supplements? Like this products are just for conscious system benefit? or will they help in awareness, or help me release my self from unconscious stuff? to live a more fulfilled life?
I have used similar and various brainwave products--Effective when I direct the experience during meditation--In meditation I focus on directing myself as a total structural sound resonance--that means I harmonize all and everything I know to support me--this I do according to the guidelines of doing to another what I would like them do to me--How awareness fit in this that I permit myself to interfear and wake people up as I permit them to challenge me--My departure point is thus infused to maximise my ability to at all times direct all of me in every moment--I focus on every task at hand - in other words I give all attention to what I participate in in the moment-- this allows me to note and correct any moments I "lose" focus or "leave" the moment or feel uncomfortable. I find that few people live total in every moment. This way of focused attention reveal much about yourself and others
Meditation and Achievement
What can I achieve with Meditation?
Trying to accomplish something is separation - trying to reach something out there somewhere - instead of applying you here in every moment as I suggested. So start with this, start simple: Writing/typing and doing self forgiveness - as you participate in this world and thoughts, feelings and emotions 'come up' in your mind - you stop them immediately - if thoughts come up inside you - and you react to them, you apply self forgiveness immediately - and then delete them - even before you go to bed, you write/type about your day in what you experienced and see moments that you didn't apply yourself - you then apply self forgiveness, clear yourself within you - 'clean out your day inside you' so that the following morning you 'start fresh and again' and so you continue.
Meditation and Stopping the Mind
Using Meditation to Stop Reactions in the Mind
It is not to allocate a specific one moment in time to meditate and then after you meditate you return back into your mind into your habitual behaviour of mind and continue participating in the mind after you have meditated - it is to remain here in breath, focus on breath, breathing, in every moment as you participate in this world - this is thus a constant application to assist and support you to remain here as breath and thus not accepting / allowing you to participate in the mind. This is not meditation this is you applying you in every moment - constant, stable, here.
Realise that this particular experience you're having is because of accepted and allowed participation in your mind - so, as you participate in this world, and you focus on your breathing here, every breath - if a thought/feeling/emotion come up within you - you STOP IT IMMEDIATELY - you do not 'follow the thought' or allow / accept the emotion/feeling to continue within you. You either aloud say: STOP or within you, you say aloud: STOP - if it doesn't stop immediately - self forgiveness required. Then you have to look at the thought/feeling/emotion that came up and apply self forgiveness in accepting/allowing you to participate in the particular thought/feeling/emotion until you're clear within you.
Another great application is to before you go to sleep, look at your day - if there are any moments that you missed where you did not apply you effectively - you apply self forgiveness for such a moment and clear out and clean out your day within you.
Now - I also suggest the following:
What you're also experiencing is due to suppressed anger and fear which is causing frustration and irritation within you - experiences you've had in the past, which you have suppressed / hid away within you and have not yet dealt with yet effectively - which come up inside you in the way you're experiencing it - unexpectedly, for you to actually become aware of what exists within you that is so suppressed and hidden - that the anger/fear which culminated into frustration / irritation has become the very nature of your being as who you are.
That's why you have the experience of not knowing where it comes from - because you've suppressed such emotions within you, which you have become and you can't even see it - but now, you've been showing you with such particular experiences what exists inside you as you, which you have not yet dealt with effectively.
So, I suggest you make another list here - specifically with the words: Anger and Fear and Resentment and Judgment and Jealousy - take there five words for now. Now - you have to look at all your memories existing within you related to these words - and you will remember, the memories will start popping up - and you write/type them out as the memories come up.
Then you have to apply self forgiveness for each and every single memory that come up inside you related to these words, specifically in detail - because it is these memories of the past you're still holding onto within you which is generating these emotions within you causing the sudden unexpected experiences you're having.
And so you discharge these emotions from the memories - once you're done - you say: DELETE and you DELETE the memory within you. Now - as you participate in this world and you experience any of these five emotions with which you're busy working, in any given moment as a reaction within you - you STOP IT, don't participate in it within you - if self forgiveness is required if you react in anger/fear/resentment/judgment/jealousy within you towards anything / anyone within your world - you do so. This is how you apply self forgiveness and also practical application as you participate in this world.
I also suggest to specifically look at people in your world - look for hidden/suppressed anger / judgment towards family/friends/relatives - write down all the beings names within your world currently and how you experience you within their presence. If any reactions as thoughts/emotions/feelings/memories come up inside you as you write - SELF FORGIVENESS IMMEDIATELY, so that you no longer accept / allow you to react to any human being within your world currently - because if you're accepting / allowing you to react - you're not one and equal with this being within your world as you.
Because as you write/type your experience with regards to the beings within your world and apply self forgiveness - you test your application of applying self forgiveness when you're in their presence - if you still react within you when in their presence: Self forgiveness not yet effective - then you have to go back and see why you reacted - what did the being as you represent which you have not yet dealt within yourself - you apply self forgiveness accordingly and then so you continue until you're within human beings' presence within your world and there exist no more reactions within you. Which will be quite a process - but this is how you apply self forgiveness together with self corrective application to no longer define who you are as the mind / exist of the mind - but express you as who you are in every moment of breath in self honesty as you. So you establish self honesty, self trust and self expression within you as you.